you are my shepherd, lead me…

you are my friend, hold me…

you are my brother, understand me…

you are my father, care for me…

you are my truth, enlighten me…

you are my nourishment, feed me…

you are my life, breathe on me…

you are my comforter, listen to me…

you are my rock, support me…

you are my drink, quench me…

you are my healing, touch me…

you are my lover, love me…

you are my desire, fill me…

you are the perfect sacrifice, save me…

So why do I have these dark, dead feelings about Christmas this year? Have I become a scrooge? Have I lost my hope, and faith and trust. Can I not see the good and look at the bright side anymore? Woe is me! These feelings and more sent me right into the throne room of Christ begging for an answer. Oh Lord I say, “Why am I so dead inside, where is my hope, my love and passion for life”.

You see, lest for Christ I have none. I am a box. Sometimes, I am wrapped in beautiful paper, and other times, I just sit there as is, brown and raw. So for me this year, I am not so wrapped up and lovely on the outside. And inside, I am just me, with all my weaknesses and failings, and I am tired of pretending I guess.

I had a good cry with the best shoulder in the world to cry on, my Fathers. He listened, and wiped my tears and loved me through it all. He told me He loves me and forgives me and cares for me, and not to worry and leave everything to Him. I must say I felt a little better after unloading all the junk accumulated in my box.

So I took a good look at my now empty, unwrapped box, I thought once again about the dead tree, with all the pine needles gathering on the floor, and the boxes wrapped pretending to be joyful for this Christmas season. And I thought about all my friends and family, that have given me so much this year. All the thoughtful gifts and love they have given my family for Christmas and at other times. The invites for dinner, the forgiving hand, the encouraging words, the loving prayers, and this warmed my heart. Lord what can I give them?

Then, I remembered Christ and why He came as a babe. He came to give His life, love and offer us hope. We have so much because of Christ’s’ life and death and continued Presence in our lives. The most beautifully wrapped present under all of our trees is Jesus Himself, God’s precious and only Son, and the relationship we have with Him.

I thank God my father for this precious gift once again, and I turn to Him and receive His love. And as I receive His love I notice another present under the tree. It is specially wrapped, almost glowing and as I unwrap this present I feel the sense of a child who wakes up on Christmas morning .When I open the box I find it radiates the Love of God, pouring out for all of us to enjoy.

So what can I give to you all my friends and family for Christmas? I am going to regift this year, and rewrap that box, in heavenly paper, with a beautiful bow. I give to you the Love that Christ has given to me, some prayers, some great loving thoughts, and hopes and dreams for you to have a wonderful year filled with the Love and Life of God.

I want to be more like you Lord! I am a rock that needs tumbling…Take me and roll me in your divine tumbler, your loving hands… Form me and shape me, put in some of you.  Make me bright as a diamond, with all of the facets of your personality, brilliant and gleaming for all the world to see.

Paint some of your colors, little bits of silver and gold, so that I shine…Pour out your wisdom Lord, guiding and directing me. Make me strong and faithful like you,  so that I can endure. Let kindness and love cover me, like a soft blanket, blessing others…

You are lovely Lord, beautiful in every way. You gleam in your glory all around you, like the sun… Shining for all to see. You are deep and intense, like the ocean…You are trustworthy and solid, like a rock.. I can trust you with all my heart. Lord your personality has so many facets, you are good and kind and thoughtful…You think about me, and care…Always working in my life to bring about your goodness…

So Father, Your Majesty, show me more of you today, show me your Glory, your Divine Love and your Holy Kingdom.  Most of all be my Father and Friend, stand by my side and be a part of my life, every moment…Changing me from Glory to Glory. I love you.

As for me, I will behold your face in righteousness. I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with your likeness. Psalm 17:15

Today is a good day, filled with the love and assurance of God! I woke up this morning with an expectation, one of good and newness and hope. You see, I have been lost and now am found. While praying last night and being encouraged by my 16 year old to read my Bible. Nate said, “Mom I notice you always seem happier when you read your Bible.” Out of the mouth of babes, ahem, I mean teens…Anyway while opening the Book and my heart to hear the word of the Lord and His voice, guess what, His message was loud and clear. The Lord spoke to me, the still small voice of wisdom leading me  to a better place, a place of love and healing, forgiveness and hope…

You see, I had a bad week, ugh again… I am tired of letting things get me down and I miss the days of my youth where I was blissfully happy and naive… But it seems as I live in a house with teens, there are always problems, issues, circumstances, errands and chaos. Instead of rising above, sometimes these things drag me down. And on this particular day, I was unable to take all of the emotional ups and downs, and really began dwelling on alot of negative thoughts and feelings.

So as I was sitting in my living room, with all the thoughts swirling around my head, thinking any minute I would burst with tears, sadness, or screaming, the Lord spoke to me. Yes, he gave me a new thought, one that changed everything. “His thoughts are not our thoughts nor are his ways ours.” It was so different then my present state of mind I knew it was the Lord, for it also brought peace and life. And most of all hope.

This is what he said to me… “Leea, what if it was just all a bad dream, and you wake up tomorrow and all is well. None of it matters, no details, no hurts, no pains, nothing, it didn’t really happen.”

Friends, you know those frantic dreams, when you feel they are so real, and you try so hard either to change things, or to steer the dream in a better direction. Finally, you wake up and look around and wonder if it all just happened. But then you find you are in bed, your husband or wife, is sleeping peacefully and all the children are safe in bed, and you breathe a sigh of relief, thankful that it was just a bad dream, and all is well.

The Lord worked a miracle in my heart and mind and persuaded me that it all could be a just a bad dream. I could either awaken or continue to dream, it was my choice…He said, “the only thing that matters, is that I am good, and I love you and all my children… You are safe in my home and can rest. And my mercies are new every morning. He gave me permission to let it go and just rest in my loving Heavenly Fathers arms, and start the day afresh with love in my heart for him and for others. So friends, today is a good day, filled with the opportunity to love and be loved. Behold, all things become NEW!

“Let us move on and forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

I guess that is kind of what I am going through, I know  He hasn’t left me and He is always available,I just haven’t knocked at his door, or at least hard enough anyway. So here I am once again, hungry and tired, and I find myself looking in the midst of thickets and thorns, an overgrown garden, for the door. It reminds me of the story “The Secret Garden”…I know that it is there, a beautiful garden, full of life and joy, and growth and rest. I have been there before and it is a vague recollection in my mind. Real enough to beckon me, yet distant enough to forget how to find the door to get in. The garden is overrun with weeds. Oh Lord, why do I always end up here, lost and without love, feeling so dead and dry. Yet, I long for that better place. A place where you are there tending to me with love and care, as a mother cares for her young child.

I am lost and without a guide to lead me to the door. I only know of one who can, that is Jesus. He calls us to come to him, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest” I need rest. I have been out in the wilderness, without water and food, shelter.  Hislove is what I miss the most. The sure feeling of being loved deeply and unconditionally and the confidence that I will be taken care of. I weep now, for that which I have lost. Lord forgive me, for following once again the deadly snake and the desires of the flesh. “There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it lead to death”.  Oh the flesh, it’s lusts, passions and desires, the false dreams and hopes, never fully satisfied or fulfilled…

I am in need a Savior once again. Am I too far gone, will you come and find me? Because Father, I am lost in myself, it is not a great place to be. There is only emptiness, hurt, pain, fear, anger and depression. Not the life that you came to give, “I have come to give you life, life abundantly”! Apply the blood of Jesus to my life, cut off the sin and flesh around my heart and SAVE me.  Something holds me back, is it pride, fear, guilt or regret? Probably all. ”You will NEVER leave me or forsake me”.

Come to me and take my heart and make me whole again. Graft me to you and let me once again abide in the vine and bear fruit in the garden of the Lord. The beautiful garden of the Lord Jesus Christ, where Jesus is the gardener, tending and watering and feeding, shining his light upon me.  So I no longer have to live in secret, in the shame or the fear or the despair. Where  I can live right out in the open and people can enjoy your garden and work you have done in me. Once again may I bear the beauty of your face…”I shall be satsified when I awake with your likeness.” Lead me on Lord, and forgive me once again, love me and change me. I want to love you and be with you….

But back to the word and the things God has been teaching me. This weekend I had the chance to spend a considerable amount of time in His word. I enjoy a preacher named Andrew Murray from the 1800′s and was reading about the power of the blood of Jesus! Wow, how glorious is the Blood of the Lamb. Easter, always makes us think afresh about the death and resurrection of the Lord.

When you think of Jesus’ blood, it can be a powerful reminder of His sacrificial death on the cross. “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24 He has conquered the power of death and cultivated the soil for life, when He shed His blood for you and me. “For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Phil1:21 So in His dying, He produces seeds and life in us. For LIFE is in the blood!

The spotless pure Blood of a Holy God, given out of love and devotion to His creation, was given so that we might once again have the Life of God flowing through our veins. We still have that same choice that Adam and Eve had many years ago. Shall we choose the Tree of Life, and eat of the Fruit of the Tree and Body of Christ? Or, shall we choose the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, with sin and Satan as our master? “He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him.” John 6:56  Let us choose Life and abide in Christ…

God’s word says in, John 7:38 “Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.” Although lately, I’ve felt more like a dried up river! Knowing the Lord never dries up and is always faithful, the problem must then lie within me and my heart…

You see, I have allowed dams to be built in the River in my life. The powerful raging River of life has churned up some rocks and I just didn’t know what to do with them. So I slowly started to build a dam with every rock that was upturned in the soil of my heart…Now, that is not what we are supposed to do with the rocks in life, I know this, but I guess I was misguided. So now the fact of the matter is the River in my life ebbs and flows and occasionally trickles out but it is definitely blocked…

So what can I do Lord, can I one by one remove the rocks from the dam, that I have built? Is it just one huge rock, or lots of small ones, or both? That is probably what it is… So painstakingly and with the Lord’s help, I will begin to remove the rocks in this dam. So I can spill over and be free to allow the Lord to flow abundantly with love and kindness on my world once again. With the Lord at my side, we work together to remove all the hindrances and hurts that helped to build this dam. Its hard work, removing these things can be difficult, for some reason the rocks start to settle where they are placed, and you become resistant. I feel like crying out, “leave the dam alone, I’ve worked hard to put that rock there“, but I know deep down that I must yield to the Lord’s loving hand.

I don’t want to be vulnerable so I have a huge wall up called protection, lest anyone get in and hurt me…Well, what do I do with it, it can not remain because its stops the flow of God, yet to remove it means to trust once again, and allow myself to be vulnerable, who can I trust? Thanks be to God who gives us the victory, I will through his grace choose to trust….

How about the boulders of pride, can I allow that stubborn thing to be taken apart? Oh, how I spent so much time on this part of the wall. I put every rock in place just so perfectly so it will hold back the water and how beautiful it works and looks. No, I must remove each and every rock myself, knowing that the Lord says, “Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up!”

How about the rocks of fear and anxiety, oh how I have been working overtime on that part of my dam. As soon as one rock is removed, I seem to scurry back and put it back into place for fear of the unknown. Hmm, what if? I wonder? How come? When will? All these rocks of uncertainty and mistrust have been blocking the Lord’s will and work in my life. But God’s word says, His “Perfect love casts out all fear.”

How about the rock of unforgiveness and the need for justice? Well, I could go on and on telling you the hindrances in my life. However, I must get back to the work of the Lord. We must work together to remove this dam and release the Rivers of water in my life. With the Lord’s help, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13

So if you are wondering what I am doing lately, I am working with the Lord to remove these things in my life that hinder His spirit. Am I done? No, if you visit you might just see a “work in progress” sign on my doorpost. Sometimes, I will take a break and can talk and visit. Other times, I might be battling a huge rock and trying to remove it, so in this case you can pull up your sleeves and help if you like! Hopefully, I won’t be putting any more rocks in place. But know mostly, that the Lord is always at work in me “to do and to will of His good pleasure”, and I ask that you bear with me as the Lord continues His work…

And so I wonder if I can challenge you dear friend, what are the names of the rocks in your wall? Are you also building a dam? Or are you working with the Lord to remove the things in your life that hinders the Holy Spirit from flowing through you? Seek the Father and ask Him to help in the work of allowing His River to flow through you. He is always ready and faithful by your side. So let us once again, “be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth his fruit in his season; whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he does shall prosper.” Psalm 1:3

Thanks to Facebook, recently I have been walking down Memory Lane. It has definately been an emotional road to travel, with its twists and turns. Catching up with old friends has been interesting to say the least. But somehow I feel cheated, these experiences although real, lack the substance of the today and now, almost like a ghost town. Imagine walking around a town, and talking to people and then finding  out that they are not really there anymore, they are ghosts, just a figment of your imagination.

As I saunter through this town however, I come upon familiar places and people all encouraging me to come in and sit and chat. I walk into a tavern to greet old friends with a kiss, and the joy of my youth comes back to me, I sense the vitality and impetuousness of my former days. All of a suddden , I become young again, and I feel strong as in my youth. I begin to chat with old friends and reminisce of a better time, we begin to laugh and share memories. I feel blessed and full of life, and all of a sudden become 16 with all the feelings, hopes and dreams of my youth. I become myself in a different time. Once again I have the opportunity to make the choices of my youth, have I grown, have I learned or will I stay in that place. Who am I?

Ahh, younger still, I hear the children playing in the playground and go outside to see what is happening. There are all my friends in their glory playing to there hearts content. I want to join them. Kick off my shoes, shed the years of my age, and become young once again. To laugh and play in the sun with no cares or worries. Oh how blissful it is. As I lay in the sushine, and take a bit of rest I look around and realize that I have been playing alone. Everone has gone, and are faded away, ghosts. I am all alone, with only my memories to comfort me. The only thing that I have left is a fresh feeling in my heart of the experience. Once again, I feel joy and pain. How can so many years have passed, and the life learning and growing that I have done and everything be stripped away? I feel like a child tossed to and fro by the wind, alone and frightened. However in the distance, faintly at first, and then louder, I begin to hear a voice calling me beckoning me to come back to the present time.

Lord Jesus lead me back to the place I left on my journey towards your kingdom, where I let go of your hand to follow my heart to the ghost town of Memory Lane. Once I arrived at the town, I realized there is only emptiness there. There is no hope here, only sorrow. Lost dreams, failed relationships and mistakes made. So Lord Jesus, come once again to me and beckon me to follow you, the author and finisher of my faith. Let me follow you to a place that has living water, and trees with plenty of rich fruit. Where there are people celebrating in the streets, and a warm fire in the fireplace. Let me come home to the Father and siblings that I once knew and experience the loving family that you have given to me. Let me enjoy the feast that you have so lovingly prepared for me. Forgive me Father for going down the road to nowhere. I love you.

“Luke 15:22-24

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

What is it about Valentines Day that makes it so special? Is it all the red hearts decorating the stores, or the delicious chocolates lining the shelves, or how about the beautiful red roses ready to be purchased by some unsuspecting man as he passes the the check out isle?

Something about Valentines day makes me happier than any other holiday. It makes me feel special inside, it reminds me of a warm family room fire. It is kind of like one of those chocolates that you bite into and actually get the one filled with all that yummy caramel… There is a sense of satisfaction, an endearing feeling that says you know what, you are loved and have chosen to love… You’ve taken the risk and dedicated your heart to a very special person.You made a choice to love, honor and cherish your partner.

I have had the pleasure of nineteen Valentines days with my husband. Nineteen years that we have chosen to love each other, to commit our hearts to one another. This kind of love is different than the love you feel at 13 when you had your first crush.Your heart would pound so fast when you would sit silently next to each other, just hoping the intended would glance at you, or touch your hand. Or even the first special someone that you fell in love with and thought you could never live without, that high school sweetheart, with precious memories that reside in your heart. Well, if you happen to have married your high school sweetheart then good for you, some of us however, did not. We carefully went on to choose a different mate, someone that we could make our dreams come true with.

Well, after so many years of marriage. I will admit that some of those childhood fantasies of what marriage should be have not exactly held up. It is entirely different then I thought it would be. Those feelings we had in the early days were just the beginning of true love… Love is much deeper then some warm fuzzy feelings, and the pitter patter of your heart. It is a committment to care for this person you have chosen to live your life with. It is being grateful for all the things they do for you. It is blessing them with things that make them happy. There is a give and take that happens between two people in marriage that happens nowhere else. We choose to care for each other, and respect each other, and love each other through the good and the bad.

So tonight when I say to my husband “Will you be my Valentine?”, I remember what that entails. It is more than the hearts, flowers and chocolates. It is loving each other in life through the flowers, snowstorms, the rains, sunshine, and the falling leaves. When I was engaged to Steve we were walking along the beach and I looked over and saw an old gray haired couple walking hand in hand. I thought, that is what I want out of my life, a marriage that lasts, and a best friend. Thank you Steve for being my best friend, and thank you God for giving him to me. I love you!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13 4-8 NIV